August 26, (THEWILL) — “Bros, how are you preparing for weekend?”
“Weekend? Today is Tuesday. Have you taken something today? Weekend? How?”
“In my own thinking, the way the country is today, someone has to plan ahead. As I am now, I calculate everything.”
“Stop over-calculating. The sun will set. It will rise tomorrow. Life goes on.”
“Speak for yourself, sir.”
“What do you mean speak for yourself? You have a problem with the sun rising and falling? Are you alright?”
“What’s uppermost in my mind now is how to make the most of President Tinubu’s biggest gain from his Japan trip—his attendance at TICAD 9 in Yokohama.”
“So? He has since left Japan. He was in Los Angeles, now he’s been sighted in Brazil on a state visit. We all read that. So?”
“You didn’t read everything. He left something behind. The Japanese have now said Nigerians can relocate to a city in Japan called Kisarazu, one hour from Tokyo. Fully modern, everything available.”
“What does that mean?”
“It is cultural diplomacy. Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba already said Japan’s population may halve soon. Giving us a whole city is their way of solving that problem. I’ve been dreaming: why am I still here? I can move to Japan, become a celebrity. Even help Japan solve its population issue. Who knows? One Japanese girl may get curious…”
“Why are Nigerians so dumb? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong. Nigerians are adventurous. Remember when another country said anyone who married their women would get cash benefits? I wanted to go. You discouraged me. You always kill my dreams.”
“There’s a difference between dreams and delusion. Those countries want highly skilled workers, not liabilities looking for wives.”
“As far as Japan is concerned, the highest skill now is producing children. I am a population expert, a highly skilled worker!”
“You’re highly skilled in unseriousness.”
“Bros, with due respect…”
“Go on. I know when a Nigerian says that, disrespect is next.”
“Someone like you cannot survive in the Japan of the future. You’ve been divorced twice. Japan needs strong Nigerians to hold down their women and produce skillful Jap-Nigerian kids. I want to volunteer as ambassador.”
“I never heard the Japanese say all this.”
“I heard them. Sometimes, silence is louder than words. Even Tinubu’s delegation reportedly visited Kisarazu to stake it out. If anyone doesn’t return with him, we’ll know where to look.”
“You people think everything is a joke. No Nigerian needs a hometown in Japan. And you don’t even speak the language.”
“Love doesn’t need a language. Romance has no identity.”
“If Japan wants bilateral relations, let them invest here. Refineries, factories, not babies. We need jobs, not trouble. And what about the girl who has stuck with you for five years?”
“It’s all for national good. I’m acting in the national interest.”
“So, your understanding of TICAD 9 is that Nigerian men can now marry Japanese women in Kisarazu?”
“Nigerian women can go too, but honestly, Japanese men can’t cope with our women. An elephant is not something a child plays with.”
“Meanwhile, your government couldn’t even run a booth at the Trade Expo.”
“Mr. Onanuga already said Nigeria wasn’t there for a Trade Expo but for serious deals. Others advertised Kente, Nigeria walked away with citizenship of a whole city! That’s logic.”
“I don’t see it. I ask for seriousness in economic diplomacy. Africa’s leaders rush to France, Russia, Japan whenever summoned. They don’t read the fine print. We return with patronizing aid. Japan still offered $5.5bn. Nobody said, ‘No, thank you.’”
“Tinubu said Africa needs partnership, not aid.”
“But aid still came. And your Baba didn’t say no. Anyway, he has left Japan. He’s in Brazil now.”
“After Los Angeles. Nobody knows what he picked up there.”
“Maybe he just rested a little.”
“He left for Japan and Brazil. Stopped in Dubai. From Japan to US, then Brazil. I won’t be surprised if he passes through London and Paris before coming back.”
“He’s the President. Stop treating him like a donkey. He means well. He’s in Brazil to sign MOUs, continuing from where Obasanjo left 21 years ago.”
“MOUs? The Ministry has no space for more. We sign, we dump. We need seriousness. And please, Tinubu’s men should leave Obasanjo’s name out. Leadership newspaper says OBJ has a new book—Nigeria: Past and Future—where he calls Buhari the most incompetent and says Tinubu is close behind.”
“OBJ said that?”
“Yes. It will be a blockbuster.”
“Well, he cannot insult Jagaban like that. Asiwaju can return-to-sender any long letter. Let’s wait for the drama.”
“Asiwaju can even stop the book.”
“That’s tyranny. OBJ has the constitutional right to speak.”
“This is how people disturb Tinubu. When he fights back, they cry.”
“This is democracy.”
“Democracy? See where it has taken PDP—a party of 16 years, now in ICU.”
“That’s old gist. PDP just held NEC in Abuja, approved zoning. Presidency goes South in 2027. Damagum confirmed as Chairman. Party may well recover.”
“Then that’s Wike’s triumph. He insisted on zoning to the South.”
“No triumph. He’s been outsmarted by Makinde and Bala. With Damagum confirmed, Wike’s influence is reduced. The road is clear for a strong candidate.”
“So, where’s the next Chairman coming from?”
“North West. Certainly not from Wike’s camp.”
“Why is running a party in Nigeria so difficult?”
“The same reason anything involving Nigerians is difficult. That Nigerian city in Japan you dream of? Soon, Nigerians will carry Nigeria there, and the Japanese will want you out.”
“Look at D’Tigers. Crashed out of AfroBasket. They had to stay back in Luanda till yesterday. Officials refused to change tickets. Two players bought their own tickets back to the US.”
“Estacode, estacode. Are they back now?”
“Yes, quietly. Nicodemously.”
“Good for them. At least Nigeria won’t be forced to give them $100,000, a house and a national honour if they had won.”
“You are not nice at all.”
“The truth is always bitter, my brother.”
Reuben Abati
